"I hate visible wires. It's like seeing pubic hair."

Thanks to Hollywood, I now know how to always get exactly what I want in 5 minutes or less.

What ails you? Are you a skinny wimp? In love with someone that doesn't feel the same way? Stuck in a rut at the same dead-end job? Wish you could tame that wild animal that sneaks into your garden and eats your tomatoes but won't let you come near it? After watching countless movies and TV shows for work (and occasionally during my idle time), I have finally discovered the secret to success: montages.

Think about it. Movies have shown us, time and again, that nerds become black belts after a workout montage, that two people form a lifelong romance after a montage of having fun together, that losers get awesome jobs after a montage of beefing up their resumes and going to interviews, and that wild creatures will eat out of your hand after a montage where they growl and try to bite you, start coming to your door when you leave food out for them, get injured by evil hunters, and eventually grow to trust you after you nurse them back to health.

I'm telling you, montages. Hard work and legitimate self-improvement over long periods of time is for chumps. You can thank me later.

"La Bouche made my computer freeze!"

So this is what it's come to? My time management skills are so bad that I actually had to set aside time to do things I want to do. You would think that having a flexible work schedule means you can sit around and watch YouTube videos all day, but the reality of it is that you have to be even more disciplined than your office-bound counterparts or you'll never get anything done.

What's really sad is that I probably won't even stick to this for as long as it took to make it.

Oh, and Sunday night? Right on schedule.

***

UPDATE: It's not even two days later and already I've had to make an adjustment to the schedule. For some reason, it never occurred to me that back-to-back nights of studying French for a couple of hours at a stretch might be too much for anyone no matter how badly they want to learn the language.

"I'm so good in bed I can just lay there."

I recently had a conversation with my sister's boyfriend about putting a guy in the friend zone.

We were dissecting why I felt the need to dash this gentleman's romantic dream that was probably no more than a desire to get me drunk and take advantage of me, when Donna's man asked, "Was he not aggressive enough?"

It was then that I realized men and women have wildly different ideas about what it takes to make a love connection happen between two people.

Men, as it turns out, are completely delusional. You guys actually believe that you can charm the pants off any girl you want as long as you have enough confidence. In the past, when my male friends made obscene comments about hot girls they saw, I used to think they were just dreaming out loud. Now I know better. Apparently, all guys are told at some point in their lives that even if a girl is way, way out of your league, she'll still let you stick it in her if you're funny enough. This explains why most comedians are hideously ugly. They got the memo and they are really taking it to heart.

Let me just clear this up right now. Having a great personality will get you to a certain point, but if she's not attracted to you, it ain't gonna happen.

If you have a crush on a girl and she put you in the friend zone, it's not because you didn't make your intentions known. It's not because you were too nice. It's not because you didn't make her laugh. It's because she didn't find you fuckable.

Pick-up artists will insist that you can always turn it around if you know what you're doing. After all, most of them aren't particularly handsome, or wealthy, or anything special. Yet they manage to get laid all the time because they never wait too long to close the deal. While I will agree that there is a window of opportunity for avoiding the friend zone by letting a girl know you're interested early on, I will also say that in order for any guy to take advantage of this window, the girl had to have been 50/50 about fucking him in the first place. You don't have to look like James Franco or have tons of cash, but if you're decent in either area and you don't act like a pussy every time you see her, then yes, you do have a shot. If, on the other hand, you're an Average Joe and you show zero personality the first, say, three times you see this girl, then you, my dear, have just bought yourself a one-way ticket to the friend zone. In this instance the pick-up artists would be right. You had a chance, and you blew it.

There are a couple of things, however, that the pick-up artists forgot to mention.

First, pick-up tactics only work in situations where the guy is totally average. Average looks, average income, average achievement. The girl he likes is on the fence until he overpowers her with his irresistible manliness, pushing her over the edge and making her want him. That's all good and well for the average guy, but those rules don't apply to anyone else. If a man is gorgeous, he'll get laid. If he's rich, he'll get laid. If he's famous, he'll get laid. A dude that possesses all three traits - the trifecta of female desire - can talk about cloud shapes all day and women will still gladly jump in his bed. But a dude that weighs 500 pounds, works as a cashier at McDonald's, owes thousands of dollars in gambling debt, and lives in his mother's basement is not getting laid no matter how witty and clever he is.

Second, and more importantly, what any female considers "average" changes from chick to chick. The hotter  the girl, the higher the bar.* You might be a 7 in your Weight Watchers meetings, but where you rank on Natalie Portman's scale is most likely going to be totally different. There will be times during your quest for love when you never stood a chance to begin with. I wish more guys would realize this and move on rather than embarrass themselves trying to get with a supermodel because some so-called dating expert told them it was possible.

If you're the type of guy that can get almost any woman he wants, chances are you have a pretty face, or a fat paycheck, or both. A rocking personality definitely helps, but it does not guarantee that you'll get anywhere. If you are an attractive rich guy who constantly finds himself in the friend zone, then you need to reexamine your interactions with women because you are definitely doing something wrong. Or maybe you're just gay and haven't come out yet, which is fine and actually makes more sense. If you assess yourself honestly and conclude that you are indeed average to the women you are interested in, then you should be successful at least half the time as long as you put in a little effort. For the rest of you, know that there's very little you can do to change the mind of a woman that never wanted to screw you in the first place. Think of it this way: the level of rejection you experience is directly related to the level of approach you used. Use an aggressive approach, and she'll turn you down. Use a soft approach, and she'll put you in the friend zone. If you want to avoid both outcomes, I suggest you find a way to make yourself above average in her eyes.

*I'd like to point out that smarter girls also have higher standards for the men they date, but it's been my experience that most guys - I said most! - don't give two shits about a girl's intelligence.

"You look remarkably good for a guy with a busted face."

It really cracks me up when, every so often, I see an announcement from someone on Facebook that they had just gotten through trimming the fat from their friends list. I got the update, so obviously I made the cut, right? Here's my question: exactly what criteria are you using to determine who gets to stay and who has to go? Because I'm looking at your page and you still have like 800 friends. Boy, do I feel special.

"Being a huge dick and having one are not the same thing, unfortunately."

So I finally figured out why so many of my friends are getting on my nerves. There are various components to the answer, including the fact that I can be a total bitch at times, but we'll leave that one off to the side for now. If we assume that I'm talking about a day when I am not PMS-ing, would those same people still annoy me?

The answer is that they most likely would. Today I had an epiphany during which I realized that I have become a repository for people's dirty secrets. Cheating, addiction, daddy issues, money issues, green-card marriages, depraved sexual acts, inappropriate work relationships, listening to REO Speedwagon on Spotify - you name it, I've heard it. For some reason, people feel comfortable telling me things that they normally wouldn't share with anyone else. Even if a person has other friends they are close to, I alone have been given access to the cesspool of horrific information they are guarding. I guess it makes sense why this would be the case: I listen, I don't judge, and I don't tell. Why wouldn't people dump all their secrets on me?

I don't have a problem with what someone has done in the past or what they are going through right now. No one is perfect, and I'm certainly no angel. What I do have a problem with is the way a person's behavior changes once they feel close to you.

You see, developing a friendship with someone is a lot like dating. You meet, you feel a good vibe, you hang out, you talk. In the beginning stages your new friend only shows you their good side. The more you get to know them, the more good things you discover until you reach a point where you truly value the relationship you have with this person. He or she is now your friend.

Once you move past a certain point of intimacy, your new friend will reveal some not-so-flattering facts that they've kept hidden from the public. If you're not weirded out by this information, then the friendship is real. You are now homies, friends for life. Nothing can rip you apart.

What troubles me about learning my friends' secrets is not the secrets themselves, but how comfortable these people feel when they are around me now that I know all their secrets. Comfortable to the point where common courtesy becomes a thing of the past. These close friends will start taking me for granted, asking for favors that they never dared to ask before, flaking out on plans, forgetting their wallets when we do go out, and exhibiting other forms of selfish and annoying behavior. They seem to believe that since I don't judge them for the mistakes they made before we met, I won't judge them for acting like an asshole now that we're friends.

I don't know where you people learned that it's okay to be a douche bag after you've grown close to someone, but please unlearn it. Remember how you used to not brag about every instance of getting hit on by a member of the opposite sex? Or how you used to pretend to give a shit when I had something to say? Or how you used to actually show up when we made plans? Where did that person go? Can we please go back to the time before you unloaded all your sins on me like I'm some priest at a confessional, so you can go back to being that cool, fun, interesting person I met and became friends with? Keep your secrets, I don't need them. What I need is a nice fucking person to hang out with.

I completely understand why some folks have a fear of intimacy. If you never get too close to anyone, it's much harder for anyone to feel okay about treating you like dirt, or asking you to do things that you don't want to do, or expecting you to listen every time they give a speech about how awesome they are. That last one absolutely kills me. It may not seem like a big deal, but it happens so often that the person isn't even aware of it, and I haven't quite figured out how to tell them to shut the fuck up.

Maybe that's why our society encourages extraversion. Lots of people to hang out with, plans every weekend, and everybody is on their best behavior. A casual acquaintance probably won't get wasted and puke in your car as you drive them home and talk your ear off about the hottie they met at the bar while you sponge their vomit off your upholstery, but a good friend definitely will.

Of course, it's just as likely that everyone I know is annoying the shit out of me simply because I'm a total bitch.

"The worst thing about living in such a big city is that the walk of shame is a very long walk."

I love it when you peel an orange and the skin comes off in one piece. Today I spiral-peeled my orange, so when I lay the rind out flat it looks like an S.

So I'm sitting at my desk, eating this orange, listening to Bill Burr's Monday Morning podcast and laughing my ass off while staring at my computer pretending to work - which is totally unnecessary since I work from home now, so who exactly am I lying to? - when I was struck with the most awesome idea for an April Fool's Day joke.

What if I super-glued the orange peel back together and left it out for someone to find? You know those community fruit baskets in the office kitchen with bananas and apples for the taking? Or the occasional catered lunch at work where you feel compelled to eat the food because it's free even though it tastes like shit, and you're hoping it's at least healthy because the catering service threw in a plate of fruit? I would give anything to leave this empty orange among some real fruit and stick around to see what happens when someone grabs it and it gently deflates in their hand. There would be an immediate outburst of "What the fuck?" as the victim inspects my handiwork with that bewildered scrunch on their face, followed by a disapproving eye roll when they realize that they'd been punked. They would turn to whoever else is in the kitchen and say, "Really? Who would do this?" Meanwhile I'm standing by the sink in absolute stitches, trying my best but failing miserably to not give myself away.

I laughed so hard at the thought of this that I actually had to pause Bill Burr because I didn't want to miss anything he was saying. He's a pretty funny guy. I wonder what he would think of my orange-peel prank. He'd probably do a 15-minute rant on how dumb it is and how anyone who thinks this is funny must be stupid, and I'd laugh along like an idiot anyway because his delivery is awesome and he speaks the truth.

But anyway, back to the orange. The thing is, I can't play this joke on anyone as I have neither roommates nor coworkers. I enjoy the solitude for the most part because, let's face it, people bother me. There are days when I feel like everybody I know has conspired to be as irritating as possible and are taking bets on who will be the first to get slapped. It is probably in everyone's best interest that I am insulated from the world.

But there are some days that I do feel the pain of loneliness, and today, April 1, 2013, is one of those days. I have no one to prank.

Since I can't play this joke on anybody, and I'm not cruel enough to give an empty orange to a bum, I thought I'd share the idea with my blog readers (if there are still any out there). Peel an orange, eat the contents, glue the rind back together, leave it out for someone to find, and let me know how it goes. Don't forget to have your camera ready.

"I'm not gonna stop loving him just because he's Asian."

And the word of the day is: PRETENTIOUS.

I feel that it is important to clarify the meaning of this word because I hear it quite often, and it is always used incorrectly. Pretentious is not synonymous with "intellectual" or "arrogant." It is not an appropriate knee-jerk response to anyone that says they like Radiohead or Wes Anderson films. It is not something that you would call a spoiled rich kid.

No, pretentious means exactly what it sounds like. A person is pretentious if he or she pretends to be something they are not. Generally, pretentious people are deeply insecure and feel that others will not like them if they show their true selves. So they put on airs of being more sophisticated, knowledgeable, or wealthy than they really are, in order to gain acceptance within a desired peer group.

Intellectuals are always being unfairly labeled as pretentious. If you meet someone who tells you they read for pleasure, and you can't imagine such a thing because you hate reading, does that mean the reader is pretentious? No, it just means that they enjoy reading. What if the reader believes they are superior to you because they read and you don't? Arrogant, yes. Narrow-minded, yes. Pretentious, no. However, if this person tells you they like to read because they want you to think they are smart, but is unable to name a single work by Shakespeare, then they are pretentious.

People have called me pretentious for being anal about spelling and grammar and for using big words in my speech. Unfortunately for those verbally-challenged buffoons, this really is the way I talk. I'm proud of my vocabulary I like knowing that my friends have to consult their dictionaries every now and then because of me. You could say that I'm full of myself. You could even describe me as annoying if that's how you really feel about it. But I am not pretentious.

And if it isn't my use of language that has people calling me pretentious, then it's my taste in movies, or my hobbies, or the things I like to talk about. Smart women, believe it or not, enjoy discussing topics other than celebrity gossip and fashion and men. Just because someone likes and appreciates something you don't understand does not mean that person is pretentious.

This is particularly true when it comes to musical preferences. There is no band in the world accused of being pretentious more often than the British five-piece critics' darling that I love, the one and only Radiohead. Why the hell does everyone who is not a fan of Radiohead think they are so pretentious? Because they like to try on different musical styles? Experimentation does not make you pretentious, it makes you experimental. Because every album they've released has gotten rave reviews? Critical acclaim does not make you pretentious, it makes you critically acclaimed. Because Thom Yorke has been known to be unfriendly towards other artists? Being antisocial does not make you pretentious, it makes you antisocial. Or is it just because Radiohead's music does not appeal to you and you don't understand why they are so popular? Guess what, that doesn't make them pretentious either.

The only correct use of the word pretentious to describe a music band is when that band exists for any reason other than the love of making music.

And what about Radiohead's fans? Since you don't like the band, people who do must be pretentious, right? Wrong. People who like Radiohead enjoy listening to their music, period. It would be a waste of time and money to buy albums, go to concerts, and scour the Internet for rarities and B-sides, just to prove you like a band that you really don't care for.

I suppose it wouldn't be a waste of money to pretend to like anything if money were no object to you, which brings me to my next category of unjustly-labeled-as-pretentious people: rich folks. People with money are often showy, self-absorbed, blissfully ignorant, conceited, and materialistic, but none of those adjectives mean the same thing as pretentious. Don't get me wrong. I've met some wealthy people that are annoying as hell; their lifestyles are extravagant and ridiculous, and they think they're better than everyone. But they aren't pretending to be anything. They really are flush with cash.

It's usually members of the bourgeoisie (middle to upper-middle class) that are pretentious in matters of wealth. People who carry fake designer bags, or empty out their savings accounts in order to buy a watch, or drive a Lexus when they can only afford a Toyota - and what's wrong with a Toyota, by the way? - those people are pretentious. I feel sorry for them. They actually believe that a show of material wealth adds to their value as a human being! What a sorry outlook to have on life.

The easiest way to tell whether or not someone is pretentious is to figure out what it is they are trying to prove. Luckily, pretentious people aren't that creative, so there are only a handful of things that all pretentious people want others to believe about them: that they are wealthier, smarter, braver, cooler, more cultured, more popular, and more accomplished than they really are.

And if someone gets on your nerves for whatever reason, but doesn't seem to have anything to prove, then you still can't call them pretentious. Lots of people don't like me, but they'll be hard-pressed to find a more honest person.

"Correct grammar gives you a great big lady-boner, doesn't it?"

Dear friends that I go to the movies with,

You're fired.

Remember when I said, "Let's watch Life of Pi in 3D; I saw it in 2D and it was visually stunning even then!" and you responded with, "Nah, we'd rather see a shitty action flick that has a predictable storyline, will leave your ears ringing when you exit the theater, and won't receive any accolades whatsoever"? Um, yeah. I told you so.

For those of you that missed the Academy Awards earlier, Life of Pi won four Oscars tonight (three of them for aesthetics: Cinematography, Visual Effects, and Directing), beating out all the other nominated films in number of awards won this year. While I am extremely smug that the film I'd been trying to get everyone to go see experienced so much success, I am annoyed that no one gave my pick a shot whenever we did have a movie night.

From now on, theater-going will be a solo endeavor for me. I've been saying this for years now - yes, YEARS! Back when I lived in Northern California, my friends also always chose movies that I didn't like while ignoring my wishes - but I mean it this time.

So if you guys ever have trouble finding a time to hold your weekly "I Hate Reeny" meetings, just tell me you're going to the movies, and I'll pass on hanging out for the night.

"Hookers are cheap compared to wives and girlfriends."

I have returned!

In all fairness, I stopped telling people that I was a writer months ago, until recently, when I got a contract as a tech writer. I hate lying, but just how much does one have to write in order to honestly be able to tell others, when asked what they do for a living, that they are a writer? I've asked this question of myself and others often, and have come to the following conclusion: the more famous you are, the less frequently you need to write in order to claim the occupation of writer. Hemingway has been dead for decades and thus has not produced any new material in a while, yet if you were to ask anyone what he did for a living, most of the time the answer would be something along the lines of: "He was a writer." You might get the occasional variation of novelist, author, or alcoholic, but they all mean the same thing.

Me? Well, I've got this blog, an unfinished/unpublished novel that I haven't spent any time on recently, and no fanbase (no disrespect to the 12 followers who have probably given up on me by now). So I have to write pretty much every day in order to be able to tell people that I am a writer without feeling like a liar.

But there are some things that distinguish writers from non-writers, even when we aren't putting pen to paper. We view life through a different lens, express ourselves uniquely, and use every interaction with the outside world as a chance to play with words. For us, language is a hobby. Yes, we are nerds.

So if someone you've just met tells you they are a writer, how do you know they are the real deal?

1. Writers are witty.

I have never met a writer that wasn't a smartass. It's like a contagious disease that we all caught after reading Huckleberry Finn. I myself never waste an opportunity to make fun of someone, even when I don't speak their language fluently. Let me back up a little. My heritage is Vietnamese, so when I'm around Vietnamese people (family or a nail salon), I speak Vietnamese, and I'm a smartass. I studied French in high school, so when I'm around French people (very rare but it does happen on occasion), I try to speak French, and I'm a smartass. I don't care if my pronunciation is awkward or the situation is serious; I'll still attempt a joke if it means lightening the mood. I was at a hospital a few days ago and I actually teased the nurse when he failed to start an IV correctly. I can't help myself. It's just who I am.

2. Writers like to scrutinize other people's writing.

Every writer I know analyzes written language like a forensic scientist at a crime scene. There is no spelling error that goes unnoticed, no improper use of grammar that doesn't get called out. We all hate the way most people text and update their Facebook statuses. Every time someone shares one of those Internet memes - you know, the picture of something funny with a witty caption - I always cringe at the poor use of English before laughing at the clever observation.

And hashtagging? What is up with that? I've written about hashtags before, but the epidemic has gotten even worse than I could ever have imagined. Hashtagged phrases used to be short quips that came after fully-realized thoughts. These days, many of my friends on Facebook just write their statuses as a series of hashtags. A year ago, a typical status update would have looked like this:

At the beach drinking pina coladas and playing volleyball with friends. Lovin' life! #goodtimes

I never would have complained about it if I'd known back then what I was in for. Now, a typical status update looks like this:

#beach #pinacoladas #friends #volleyball #goodtimes

What the fuck? How is it possible that people have enough time to check in and take pictures and share every little thing they do with the world, yet can't be bothered to write out full sentences anymore? I feel like I'm reading updates written in Newspeak from 1984. Just change your status to "doubleplusgood" and get it over with already.

Oh, excuse me, I meant #doubleplusgood.

If English teachers ruled the world, this shit would not fly. But they don't, and I feel sorry for them when I think about the kind of nonsense they have to deal with every time they grade papers. It's one of the reasons I never became an English teacher, even though I'm perfect for the job (dying to live abroad for a year, take pleasure in pointing out spelling mistakes). I don't want to spend my weekends working through a stack of essays written in a language that is not English, but its bastard child:

Macbeth was gr8. Yo check it, Duncan b 2 old 4 Scotland. Macbeth b killin da foo wit no mercy n gets 2 b king! Mad props to dat boy, he n his wifey crazy! Fuck Macduff n all da haterz. #doubledoubletoilntrouble

That was painful to write, but I'm hoping I got at least one laugh out of it.

3. Writers can only stand to hang out with intelligent people.

Every writer values good conversation, and you can't have those if you're hanging out with dumb people. All of my friends are smart. If one of my smart friends says something dumb, I avoid them for a few days until the stupid wears off.

I like having intelligent friends because I consider it a positive reflection of myself, and I enjoy being able to bounce ideas off of them. Our hangouts are like think-tank meetings. My friends and I can talk for hours about all kinds of interesting stuff, and I often leave our conversations feeling richer, as though I've earned interest on my intellectual capital. If you meet a so-called writer and he or she spends all their time with idiots, then proceed with caution. This person is most likely a pathological liar, or worse, their writing is terrible. Either way, you're in for a treat.

4. Writers say things that get others thinking.

Writers constantly examine the world around them, making observations and coming up with difficult questions that no one can answer. It's all part of the job; we need material for our projects. Sometimes this thought process escapes accidentally through our mouths and is given away freely as a token of wisdom that makes another person say, "Wow! I never thought of it like that before."

If I can challenge someone mentally with my words, then that's it. I've done my job. I am a writer, period.

5. Writers enjoy spending time alone.

What separates us from the other funny, insightful grammar Nazis that only hang out with smart people? Introversion.

We need time to ourselves... so we can write!