"Don't download any porn while I'm gone. We have plenty of it here for free."

Occasionally I will get calls and texts that were meant for someone other than me. I always know right away if a message was intended for me or not, because if a friend of mine sends a text, it's usually written in acceptable English with the occasional SMS shorthand. If a text was intended for the person(s) who had the number before me, the writing is indistinguishable from that of a mentally challenged hamster.

Examples of actual texts that I have received:

Wat u doin Friday night

Merry xmas cali kush on dec holla me super phat xmas bags hit me

I got ol g kush and sour diesel on deck

Happy mothers day! :)

Depressing, isn't it?

Most of the time I'm nice and simply tell the misinformed party that they've got the wrong number. But tonight, I was in a particularly mischievous mood, and decided to engage in conversation. I guess I just wanted to see how long it would take them to figure out that I wasn't the person they were looking for.

Bro do u see what Monica is putting on her Fb bout u?

What'd she say?

She started this ratchet roast shit on Fb talkin bout everybody!

Not me but she said shit bout u! Bout mae Mae! Bout tati bout chavoinn

At least she's being fair.

Huh Im confused? Lol

I mean she's talking shit about everybody, not just me. So it's fair.

Lol did u see it?

No, I'm reading a book right now.

Lol oh ok well just thought i let ya know gnite

I love how this person doesn't mind that I think it's fair for Monica to publicly roast all of her friends, but is done with the conversation when I say I'm reading a book.

Just an aside, to anyone that thinks I'm pretentious for making fun of others who might not have had the same educational opportunities, I say bullshit. Anyone who has made it through first grade will have been taught the correct way of spelling words like "what" and "you" and "about." Anyone that finished high school - hell, middle school - will have been expected to spell those words correctly in all their English classes over the years. So if you really think about it, it is actually more pretentious to deliberately misspell short, simple words that all native English speakers are familiar with by the time they are adults.

Street cred can suck a fat one.