"The problem with looking young is that you either have to date a pedophile, or be one."

A couple of years ago, after watching Revenge of the Fallen, I swore that I would never again subject myself to the torture of viewing metal-on-metal violent porn directed by Michael Bay. However, since I'm only in Seattle once a year, I will occasionally disregard my principles in order to do something at my family's bidding, which in this case, was sitting through a movie rental that happened to be the third installment of the Transformers trilogy.

While my complaints against the movie are many - corny dialogue, egregious treatment of women, suspension of not just plain old disbelief but all-out incredulity, and the literal deus ex machina towards the end come to mind - my biggest gripe against the film is that it NEVER ENDS.

Does Michael Bay actually think that Dark of the Moon is some sort of cinematic masterpiece? What a self-indulgent and hopelessly oblivious prickhole. According to the DVD, the movie's runtime is 154 minutes - about 150 minutes too long in my opinion, and a modest estimate considering it felt more like six hours. So please, moviemakers, do us all a favor and try to be a little more self-aware. If you're going to produce an enormous, disgusting, hot, stinking piece of crap in order to lure in the masses and make a quick buck, then make it a quick movie. Don't pretend that it's art and don't try to fool anyone into thinking that it will get better, because it won't. You still get to charge the same price for theater tickets and rentals, and I'll be less mad at my family for making me watch it. Everyone wins!

And family, please, I beg of you. I'll do whatever you want. I will wear the hideous holiday sweater. I will stay in on the weekend and play card games with the family. I will attend church and not ask the pastor questions he won't be able to answer. I will visit relatives I don't like that I never hear from anyway but am obliged to sit through dinner with. I will partake of that dish that looks like vomit. I will hold the newborn baby from that random acquaintance and pretend it is cute and try really hard not to drop it. I will go shopping and buy things you don't need so that on Christmas Day I can wrap them up and give them to you and get in return things I don't need. But I will not, will not, WILL NOT watch another freaking Transformers movie!