"You're the only real person I can talk to. Everyone else in my phone book is a cyborg."

Does anyone remember that purity test from TheSpark.com? The one that pulled you in with questions like, "Have you ever held hands?" and "Have you ever been inside a bar or a pub?"

Of course you do. You probably thought that you would easily get a low purity score, especially with questions like that. And so you started in, answering "yes" to everything, eager to finish so you could show off to all your friends what a badass you truly were. Until you got to about the 3rd or 4th page.

I remember it like it was yesterday. That test opened up my eyes to possibilities I never even knew existed. I kept thinking, who comes up with this stuff? People actually do this? And because of that test, I became intrigued but at the same time terrified of the world out there. It had to be a bad, bad place if there were people who really did engage in this sort of behavior (or were at least twisted enough to think of it in the first place).

Out of nostalgia I decided to search for that purity test and retake it. It took a bit of effort since TheSpark.com is no longer available - it's all about SparkNotes now - but I finally found it. (Little bit of Internet history for you: OkCupid, the site that currently hosts the test I am talking about, was created by the founders of TheSpark.)

Well, it's been at least a decade since I first measured my purity, and let me just say that a lot can happen in 10 years. Questions that once disturbed me now get a sheepish grin and a "yes" response. Looking back, I realize that some of those questions were actually pretty lame. ("Do you own any MP3s?" Really?) My guess is that they were just put in there so virgins could have something to answer "yes" to.

It's much harder to shock me as an adult, but TheSpark's purity test was written by college-age guys whose target audience was college-age people. I can see how at the time, many of those questions would be completely appalling, and if you had done any of those things then you were very impure indeed. I guess the lesson here is that graduation will do wonders for your worldview.

Or maybe the real lesson is that everyone should stay in school. I mean literally stay in school - as in, don't graduate - and you will remain clean. You do want to get into heaven, right?

Take the test and find out.