"Sex and cannibalism. You know, the usual."

Maybe the reason I've been so lax about writing lately is because I've been doing the opposite of writing: I have been catching up on my reading. I am determined to finish at least one of the dozen or so books on my shelf that have bookmarks in them. Some of those titles I left off over a year ago, which means that when I finally pick them up again, I'll be completely lost and will have to start fresh from the beginning.

In case anyone is curious, here's a partial list of what I'm currently reading, my definition of "current" being a rather loose one. (It's only a partial list because I have to go by memory, since I'm not home.)

1984
Wind, Sand, and Stars
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes
Can't Buy Me Love
Madame Bovary
The God Delusion
No-No Boy
A Tale of Two Cities
Anna, Ann, Annie

I am approximately halfway through all of them. For some reason, I always follow the same pattern with new books. I'll read feverishly, get to the middle, put down the book, pick up another, do the same thing with that book, pick up another, and so forth. My literary ADD does take a break when something major happens, like moving to a new city, at which point all the books go into a cardboard box, are left sitting there for several weeks, and are pretty much forgotten until the urge to read again jolts me from my illiteracy four to fourteen months later. Not enough time to have lost interest in a written work, but just enough to have forgotten all the pertinent details, like character names and everything that's happened. Like most people, I had a decent excuse for not reading in the first month after my relocation. Problem is, I've been in L.A. for six.

Why am I not reading at the moment, you ask. Because I'm out of town, silly. Why didn't I bring a book along with me? I don't know. Shut up.

"He's worse! At least Henry beheaded his women after he was done with them."

It's been awhile since I updated this. I blame the usual suspects: work, friends, writer's block, laziness. I keep telling myself I'll write the next day, and then the next day, and then the next... before you know it, two weeks go by and you forget that you're supposed to be a writer.

Last night I drove up to the Bay Area to spend Thanksgiving Week with my friends. My boss is awesome for letting me have the entire week off, and the fact that I'm still getting email from work makes the whole thing only slightly less awesome. This Thursday is the big turkey affair of course, but the rest of my stay here is open-ended.

So what am I doing with my vacation time? Well, since everyone else is still working, I'm just hanging out by myself at my friend's place. Sleeping in. Surfing the web. Playing games on my iPhone. Writing in this blog. Basically the exact same thing I do in L.A. when I have downtime. Except for the writing part.

"I'm going to have to start wearing real pants then I guess... this makes me sad."

Dear friends and family who have occasionally been frustrated due to unsuccessful attempts to call or text me,

Sorry if I've offended anyone by not getting back to them right away. In case there might be any hurt feelings, misunderstandings, or actual concern for my well-being, here's a breakdown of how I handle my phone and the various reasons as to why you might not get a response from me.

Silent mode: when I'm working, sleeping, watching a movie (whether at the theater or at home), interviewing for a job, or simply not in the mood to talk to anyone.

Airplane mode: when I'm on an airplane, syncing my phone, jailbreaking my phone, playing a game on my phone, or simply not in the mood to talk to anyone.

Ignore the call/text: when I am in the shower, out of the country, don't recognize the number, don't like the caller, or simply not in the mood to talk to anyone.

Off: when my battery dies, I'm rebooting because of a bad jailbreak, or I turned the phone off manually because I was simply not in the mood to talk to anyone.

Not in service: when I'm driving up the 5 to San Francisco, taking the subway, in a dead spot, or didn't pay my bill on time because I was simply not in the mood to talk to anyone.

Don't take it personally.

"I could've bribed him with animal fat."

Curiosity won't always kill you. Sometimes it'll just get you into lots of trouble.

"You're the only real person I can talk to. Everyone else in my phone book is a cyborg."

Does anyone remember that purity test from TheSpark.com? The one that pulled you in with questions like, "Have you ever held hands?" and "Have you ever been inside a bar or a pub?"

Of course you do. You probably thought that you would easily get a low purity score, especially with questions like that. And so you started in, answering "yes" to everything, eager to finish so you could show off to all your friends what a badass you truly were. Until you got to about the 3rd or 4th page.

I remember it like it was yesterday. That test opened up my eyes to possibilities I never even knew existed. I kept thinking, who comes up with this stuff? People actually do this? And because of that test, I became intrigued but at the same time terrified of the world out there. It had to be a bad, bad place if there were people who really did engage in this sort of behavior (or were at least twisted enough to think of it in the first place).

Out of nostalgia I decided to search for that purity test and retake it. It took a bit of effort since TheSpark.com is no longer available - it's all about SparkNotes now - but I finally found it. (Little bit of Internet history for you: OkCupid, the site that currently hosts the test I am talking about, was created by the founders of TheSpark.)

Well, it's been at least a decade since I first measured my purity, and let me just say that a lot can happen in 10 years. Questions that once disturbed me now get a sheepish grin and a "yes" response. Looking back, I realize that some of those questions were actually pretty lame. ("Do you own any MP3s?" Really?) My guess is that they were just put in there so virgins could have something to answer "yes" to.

It's much harder to shock me as an adult, but TheSpark's purity test was written by college-age guys whose target audience was college-age people. I can see how at the time, many of those questions would be completely appalling, and if you had done any of those things then you were very impure indeed. I guess the lesson here is that graduation will do wonders for your worldview.

Or maybe the real lesson is that everyone should stay in school. I mean literally stay in school - as in, don't graduate - and you will remain clean. You do want to get into heaven, right?

Take the test and find out.

"I think Christian men are just waiting for you to show up and knock them off that Jesus wagon."

Bring on Movember! It's time to separate the boys from the men, the porn stars from the pedophiles, the guys that can't grow facial hair from the ones that can...

Oh yeah, and all that men's health awareness stuff is probably important too.