"I hate visible wires. It's like seeing pubic hair."

Thanks to Hollywood, I now know how to always get exactly what I want in 5 minutes or less.

What ails you? Are you a skinny wimp? In love with someone that doesn't feel the same way? Stuck in a rut at the same dead-end job? Wish you could tame that wild animal that sneaks into your garden and eats your tomatoes but won't let you come near it? After watching countless movies and TV shows for work (and occasionally during my idle time), I have finally discovered the secret to success: montages.

Think about it. Movies have shown us, time and again, that nerds become black belts after a workout montage, that two people form a lifelong romance after a montage of having fun together, that losers get awesome jobs after a montage of beefing up their resumes and going to interviews, and that wild creatures will eat out of your hand after a montage where they growl and try to bite you, start coming to your door when you leave food out for them, get injured by evil hunters, and eventually grow to trust you after you nurse them back to health.

I'm telling you, montages. Hard work and legitimate self-improvement over long periods of time is for chumps. You can thank me later.